Totally bummed.


Even if it's already 12 am, I'm still online and alive, because I have to get this things out of my achin' head.


We just had our fifth and second-to-the-last quiz in the subject Advanced Accounting. As ever, I, for the nth time, FAILED AGAIN TO DO WELL IN THE EXAM. Not that I didn't do my best; It's just that my best wasn't good enough.


I was absent yesterday (sacrificed a day of grasping fresh Auditing Theory and MAS lessons...awwww) so that I can concentrate on reviewing for that quiz. I spent the whole day solving Consolidated-stuff problems (not 24 hours though...still got through my tv & snack time...all work and no play makes Oracle a dull girl...). I've solved the problems in the handout for about 4-5 times (the prof said that the quiz will be easy if we'll solve & familiarize ourselves with the problems) and the PRAC2 problems twice...but unfortunately, my efforts didn't pay off. Here I am now, deeply lamenting, and wondering how am I supposed to tell my mother this coming October that I "failed" or "flunked" in a 6-unit Accounting subject.


I sound so certain that I will fail. Well, this exam is what we so-call "the make or break quiz". I've got a very low prelim grade and I desperately need to keep up. The quiz last week was quite easy but like today(I dunno what happened with my brain) ,I performed poorly in that exam (I passed but it wasn't high enough to help me "raise" my grades to reach the passing mark). What's bad is that most of my classmates got a high grade in that quiz, and I was the only one (somehow...) left in the bushes to wander in the field of anxiety. Yeah, for sure I will flunk in this quiz...and I wouldn't have the guts to face my professor again.


My prof? Well, the prof's excellent in teaching the stuff but I dunno, maybe the quizzes that he/she gave are too much for me. It's not that I didn't understand a single thing; I definitely understood everything but it all boils down to my carelessness, my inability to handle all kinds of pressure (ex. time pressure), and my uber-low self-confidence and fighting spirit. This quiz I tried my best to be accurate in everything, but it was sooooo hard. 40 items to solve, long problems with domino effects, 2 short hours allotted for solving, mistakes in looking at the given information or in pressing the keys in the calculator due to stress, panic and desire to finish on time, not being able to check the answers, etcetera, etcetera. Not to mention reading between the lines in order to decipher the hidden, tricky stuffs embedded in the problems. Man, how am I supposed to handle everything?


I'm already in my Senior year and I should already be "immune" to these stuffs. Yeah, I experienced those a lot before, but this time, it's DIFFERENT. A totally new, higher level.

What will my aunt say if she finds out that I failed in a subject? She might stop helping my mom in paying for my tuition fees. And what will my parents say? They tried their best to give everything I need and yet I failed to compensate those with passing grades. What will my prof say (at the back of her/his mind) about me if ever we see each other? And what will those s*ckers out there (who, in their everyday lives, badly wished for my failure) if they'd find out that I won't graduate this May?


Eherm, and how will I accept the fact if I get my *ss kicked out of the SC staffers' circle because of this failure? I entered the SC Staffer's Circle so that somehow, in simple ways, I can interact and get to know the man of my dreams better...and now that opportunity's slowly slipping away from my hands (we even haven't talked for about 5 minutes, for crying out loud!). Not to mention the damage it'll bring to my identity if he finds out that I failed.


Oh well, I've still got a small spec of hope in my hands. I believe the Lord won't leave me.

Labels: Dead Meat, Scholastic Raves, The Great Depression