Now I think I can officially use "L" as my official nickname.

Nope, it's not like "L Lawliet" from the anime series Death Note.

The "L" that I am talking about stands for the word "LOSER".

I dunno, but right now I feel that I am definitely the crappiest, most useless and worthless douchebag in the universe.

My career and love life's all SCREWED up.

Okay. Let us first talk about my ever-fukcing career as an accountant. Yep, I'm thankful that I have a job, but I don't know, I'm soooooooo not fulfilled. I'm bored to tears.

First, there's NO CAREER GROWTH. Yes, I'm already a regular employee and I've been promoted to the next position to the CFO. We used to be 4 in the team handling the accounts of 4 companies, and I, being the newest in the group, is the lowest in the hierarchy. And due to this promotion, we were separated into 2 groups, each group handling 2 companies each. My partner is handling the management side (internal) and I'm in charge with Government dealings (external). And we're all in the same level - so that means I'm not the last in the hierarchy anymore (basically due to the fact that there isn't any ladder, eh).

So if I stayed there and worked for that company until I'm old eh I will be staying in that post forever. I've asked those who have been working for the company for 7 years and up and they told me that up to now they are still handling the same job/tasks since Adam! Gosh!

Also, I really can't moon over the CFO position. That company is a family business. The heads of each department (including my CFO boss) are the children of the owner; therefore even if I worked so effing hard I won't be able to rise to that position; Consider also the fact that her daughter is planning to take up BS Accountancy too. Most likely, she'll be the one to replace her mother when she passes the board. Unfair, eh?!

Another is that there's NO PROFESSIONAL DEVELOPMENT. In some companies, they give their employees training, seminars, updates on accounting standards, policies, etc. (and fortunately, most of them are PICPA certified, therefore they are gaining the required CPE units). In the company that I am working for their aren't any of the above. It really sucks.

Earlier, I had a date with my college friends. And I was really envious. I mean, all three of them are working for very prominent companies - 2 of them are from the "pinakasikat na auditing firm sa Pilipinas" and one is working for the global shared service of one of the top banks in the world. They're talking about certain things and I can't relate. I felt left out. It's as if they've already risen 10 levels since they passed the board and I am still in the same level when I passed - no professional growth or any type of growth whatsoever.

And of course they are complaining about overtimes, toxic work, cranky bosses, small salaries that never compensate the hardships and efforts that they exerted, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah. And of course I am with them.

Overtimes are a part of a worker's life, I believe. And then the toxic work, well, of course everything is toxic in the corporate world. It is dynamic and therefore you have to catch up. Cranky bosses suck, yes. Yuu are working your arse off and they'd still shout profanities at you. Small salaries, HELL YES, we've studied super extra hard since college and with the degree and license that we possess, I believe we deserve more than we're actually getting.

Okay, my salary is small, my job is boring and routinary, but thankfully, my boss is great. But you see, I MISS THE CHALLENGE! I am used to the torture (wow strong play of words, huh?!) of UST-AMV COA and I miss testing my capabilities to the limit; I miss thinking about problems and formulating solutions. I miss logical thinking and analysis. I miss putting up with toxic work and meeting deadlines. Hayyyyyyyy...challenges spice up our lives.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no masochistic freak that dreams of being flayed alive due to the degree of difficulty of my job; I just want some complexity in my work.

Sometimes, due to the brainless and boring nature of my work I feel that my IQ is slowly degenerating and my accounting knowledge have been stagnant. No new knowledge, no new anything.

Also, I HAVE TO PUT FOOD ON THE TABLE. Yes, my mom's already retired, so my dad and I are the only ones working. Shempre you really can't depend on my dad's salary; It's common knowledge that teachers are not justly compensated for the efforts that they've been exerting. And what's worse is that he's about to retire in 5 years, so in 5 years time I have to find a really stable job.

Of course I am taking measures to upgrading my career. And yes, I've tried my luck in applying for certain companies that I know will be able to give me the career growth, professional development and generous salary that I am aiming for. But you see, NOT ALL PEOPLE ARE LUCKY WHEN IT COMES TO APPLYING FOR A JOB. Yes, I pass the prospective employers' exams (with flying colors...haha!) but I ALWAYS SCREW THINGS UP DURING INTERVIEWS. Public speaking (or speaking, in general) have been my WATERLOO for the longest time. Unfortunately, I haven't learned how to calm myself and my nerves are always killing me. And I strongly believe that this is the weakness that have been plaguing me since I started looking for a job.

Oh, hell.

It's a wonder why some people can easily enter their dreams jobs (whether with or without back-up help) and I, for the longest time, is always struggling in this department. Maybe I was born with some kind of curse related to job-hunting.

Another story is my lovelife. Ah, sweet love. Super ironic.

No, I'm not in a hurry and I'm not YET desperate. I'm just 21 and there still is plenty of time to look for that one destined to be with you for the rest of your life (if there is really such thing). But you see, I don't know but with the taste of men nowadays I don't think I'll be able to make a guy look twice at me.

I mean, I'm not much to look at; I'm totally honest with myself that I'm no beauty. And I don't have the body to kill for. I actually don't have the personality (I'm not flirtatious; I'm shy - and due to my fierce appearance people tend to misunderstand my shyness as "kasopladahan") because I'm the type who doesn't spontaneously open up - I study the person's attitude and preferences first and then plan my how-to-get-along-with-you approach to get very acquainted with him/her. Most people don't really have good first impressions on me, and I think it adds up to the complexity of my character.

And honestly, I don't think I still have the courage to love (haha) again. I fell in love too many times in the past and 90% are UNREQUITED. Yes, I'm the "torpe" type, just waiting for the wind to blow in my direction, but the fates aren't conniving with me. I don't think I can bear another heartbreak.

Sometimes, I blame the fall of my romantic life to my juvenile mistakes in the past -- I've hurt my 2 past boyfriends, albeit unconsciously. I'm TOO IMMATURE then. Of course I'm very repentant about it now that I have realized my faults. But you see, the world works in a way that you get to pay for the past sins that you did TENFOLD. Maybe I'm not done paying the price yet.

During those times that I was still suffering from the pain of unreciprocated attentions,I often wonder, how come these "PLAYERS" can have soooo many lovers and change them as often as they change clothes, when some romantic, serious people only pine for that one great love and yet they can't have it?

And now, I'm so cynical about love and all. I realized that life's more peaceful without having to worry if your crush also harbors a secret crush on you. Soooo high school.

Oh great, now I'm being too maudlin.

And of course, I always ask God. Ooops, that's an understatement. I QUESTION GOD. Yep, I know I am such an arse but sometimes I can't help it. He might as well beat me with a stick and send me straight to hell.

But I've heard that we just have to trust HIM because He's never late and always on time; That He doesn't give us everything that our hearts desire because it may not be good for us, or it is not in His plan, or He's got a better plan.

For I know what my plans for you, plans to save you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and to give you hope. - Jeremiah 29:11

Oh God, I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooo confused. I'm sooo not happy with my life right now.

Earlier, my mom and dad just came from their M.E. seminar and they're like, "Oh anak, mag-usap tayo, mag-share ka sa amin ng mga problema mo...". I was so damn tempted to open the floodgates, spill the beans and cry like a baby...asking my mom and dad for some help. But I dunno, I just don't want them to know the predicament that I am in. I don't want them to worry about petty things such as these.

And then I smiled. I may not have my dream job and a boyfriend but I've got an almost-perfect family. As said, cherish everything while you have them. Maybe my life's not super screwed-up as I first thought.

Labels: A CPA's Life, God is good -- All the Time, Me-Myself-and-I, Quotable Quotes, The Great Depression