Yes, I have this huge crush on an office mate. Super huge crush. Actually, bordering on being in love.
I didn't really like the idea of having a "crush" on him for several reasons:
1. He's 10 effing years older than me.
2. He's not the one who fits my standards PHYSICALLY (he's shorter than the usual height of my usual crushes, he's got a goatee -- but sometimes, it looks cute on him, he's soooo bad boy-ish, he's not "maputi" like my usual crushes, blah-blah)
3. He's got some "vices" that I don't like (he likes to drink with his teammates, too ma-gimmick, he smokes)
4. His type of girls are those who are super not like me. In short, I don't think I am his type (you know how "shallow" men can sometimes be -- they dig a girl just because of her looks or her hot bod)
And yes, I have been crushing on him since January, and I've tried my very best to "kill" these feelings, but to no avail. I failed.
Lately, I've noticed something. I dunno, maybe I'm just assuming or "seeing things", but I think he likes me too. Haha. (I won't elaborate why I had this conclusion, I'll just keep it to myself).
So then, this morning, I was so giddy (and so high school-ish) that I shared this info with my teammates -- James, Ann and Phoebe). Of course, they're gonna tease me, and I'm joking around like, "Mukhang kailangan ko nang mag-salamin ha, lumalabo na mata ko pati taste ko". Of course, he and his friends are gonna hear it -- their workstations are just on the other side of ours. And then my teammates started pairing me up with someone else (na hindi ko naman crush talaga). Then later on, I noticed na natahimik yung grupo nila, then out of the blue, he blurted out...
CRUSH: "Wally, sa palagay mo ba, tagilid na ako?"
TEAMMATE NYA: "Naku, di ko alam eh, si Neri yung magaling sa ganyan..."
OMFG. OMFG. OMFG.
So let's say he really likes me. And he heard that, of course, at some point it is going to discourage him to make any move, right? Plus the fact na nanlait pa ako.
Ugh. I hate myself.
A part of my brain says that I don't want him to be discouraged. I want him to take the chance, court me, and see where matters end. But a part of my brain says I'm not ready, that I'm just having an "overinfatuation moment", and that he's 10 years my senior (too shallow, right?!).
Moments later that event, I'm torn. Torn between letting things go and walking up to him and saying that I like him (wahaha exaggerated).
When I thought things over, I realized that I panicked not because he's not going to like or court me anymore, but because I'd hate it if he will hate me because I bashed him bigtime (I believe he's got a pretty good idea that I have a crush on him). Yes, maybe I'll just do something to make it up to him.
But the courting idea? I dunno. Maybe I'm not yet really ready for a relationship.
Ow, God. Save me. Please.
To do something about it, I talked to a teammate who's a former office mate-slash-teammate of his (I am pretty sure that her loyalty is with me and not with him). I asked her, please tell me something bad about him so that this crazy thing will end. And she's like, "sorry, but he's a really, really good person. I'd really like the 2 of you to be a couple but since you don't want things to go further because you think this is a hopeless case."
Ah, jeez. Now my heart's beating like a drum. Worse this time.
She even told me about his love life -- he once lived around Bonifacio Avenue near his bestfriend's and ex-girlfriend's houses. He and his ex were steady for 5 years. Sadly, he discovered that his best friend and his ex girlfriend were having an affair. Pfft.
Hay. Imbes na ma-turnoff ako, parang lalo pa akong na-inlove. One-woman man pala sya. LOL.
Then she said na meron daw siyang kumare na niligawan nun, pero yung girl, di pa maka-get over sa ex kaya di nya sinagot si crush. So nag-ask ako ng info about that woman. Ayun, makinis raw yung girl, malakas ang dating, maraming manliligaw, and I'm like "the heck. He likes the "crush ng bayan"...get over your pag-fi-feeling!"
And now I have a way to get over him: I'll just think of how ugly I am compared to that woman. Para maisip ko na he's not going to waste any time on me because I'm not really his type. Haha.
Goodluck. God help me please.
Labels: Flabbergasted, Get Your Tagalog-to-Your Country's Language Dictionary, Head Over Heels, Me-Myself-and-I, Randomities, The Great Depression