...or the reality that I don't have a love life. HAHAHA
Last October 1, 2011, I celebrated my 10th year of being single.
Yes, single -- as in no flings and no serious relationships. In 10 years!
Had my first so-called relationship when I was still in Grade 5. And yes, I also believe that it was just "puppy love". Haha
Grade 4. I have a crush on him. And he also has a crush on me. So its M.U. (Mutual Understanding).
Grade 5. The exchange of love letters has started. And what's weird is that we don't talk to each other personally; we only talk via the letters. And I laugh so hard whenever I remember that I sometimes transfer at the back of the classroom so that I can sit next to him and hold his hand. LOL
Grade 6. I had another crush that time, so I really didn't give a damn about him. No formalities nor closure, the exchange of letters just stopped. Yes, I admit, that was infantile.
First Year High School. Got infatuated with him again. So the exchanging of love letters resumed. But this time, we talk during breaktimes and dismissal (we don't belong in the same section). He's also one of the reasons why I refused to transfer to another school. HAHA stupid decision.
But before the school year ended, someone told me (can't really remember who that person is) that he's been seeing another girl while we're still together. That person even mentioned that it was my ex'es sister who told him/her about it. And he also informed me that he'll be transferring to another school. So, another stupid move done: without formalities nor disclosure, I broke up with him and refused to talk to him again.
And that concluded my first relationship.
During my second year in high school he called me again, thinking that we're still an item. I talked to him because I want to preserve the friendship, and I think that was a good move because it was then that he discovered that I was in a relationship with someone else already.
And at that time, stupid me, I still didn't know that I was the one at fault. Why? Because upon hearing the rumor that he's being unfaithful, I didn't talk to him to confirm the news -- I just made the decision immediately.
Second year in high school = Second Relationship. My best friend had a big crush on him, and for some unknown, twisted and weird reason her infatuation with him annoyed the hell out of me. Especially when she do stupid things just to get his attention.
Then one day I just felt it.
So we became an item. And celebrated our first anniversary on September 29, 2001.
But before we reached our first year, I acted really bitchy. We always argue. And what's bad is that even if it is already my fault, at the end it will always be him who'll ask for forgiveness.
Stupid me, I know now that he's the one that got away.
I don't know why but maybe because I was still too immature that time and because we got really close that I thought of him as my "best friend" and NOT my "boyfriend", I developed feelings for another guy.
And because I was already unsure of my feelings for him, I broke up with him on October 1, just 2 days after we celebrated our first anniversary.
And then later on I found out that I still love and care for him when it was already too late.
The only good thing about that event, I'd say, is that I didn't keep him hanging on to me while I was preoccupied with someone else, and because of that, he already met the woman who'll be with him (until now).
So with a heavy heart I wish him well. Good for him.
And that concluded my second relationship (and any hope of reconciliation with him).
********
24 years old. 4 years after graduation. And most, if not all of my batchmates are already taken or married.
Some of them just got engaged. I was previously viewing their pre-nuptial photos and checking out their wedding preparations chronicles.
Some of them just got married. Last month a batchmate of mine got married and she just announced on FB that she's pregnant. Wow! :)
Some of them are currently in a relationship and are happy. Most of them have been together for some years, and I am very happy for them that they were able to sustain the "fire" in the relationship (I even have some friends who have been together for 10 years or more!)
My best friend is going to get married next year, and damn, I am the Wedding Coordinator. LOL
So WTH is my point? You probably are asking.
Well, my body clock is ticking.
And I just had the realization that I'm not getting any younger.
And everyone around me is getting married. Or is already going towards that path.
And my parents aren't getting younger too. My mom is 69, my dad is 57.
And I am adopted, and since that I'm the only child, I won't have any one to be with me (well, honestly I can't really rely on my relatives because they know that I am adopted, they don't really treat me well. Imagine how worse their "indifference" will become once my parents are gone -- they're still here and I don't belong anymore).
In short, I am panicking. And I seriously think that I'm gonna be a spinster.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think that there's nothing wrong in being a spinster -- I know some women who prefer single hood throughout their lives. And it's their choice.
It's just that I think that spinsterhood is not for me.
So within that 10 years, WTF happened to my so-called love life?
Fell in and out of love with some, and my feelings were always UNREQUITED.
Some showed interest but I wasn't interested in them.
So it's like being at the wrong place and at the wrong time with the wrong person. HAHA
Sometimes I think that it's karma. But hell, are those mistakes worthy of a 10-year lovelife drought? Or even spinsterhood?
Or maybe I've just gotten ugly (damn pimples) and fat (damn my waistline). HAHA
And whenever I remember Bob Ong's quote I cringe:
"Hindi lungkot o takot ang mahirap sa pag-iisa kundi ang pagtanggap na sa bilyon-bilyong tao sa mundo, wala man lang nakipaglaban upang makasama ka."
Ouch. Oo nga naman.
Imagine, sa dinami-dami ng tao sa mundo, wala man lang ni isang nag-offer ng puso nya para mapa-sa 'yo lang???
Most, if not all the time, I ask myself, "is there anything wrong/what is wrong with me???"
Or maybe I should just blame it on the "surge" of gayness that has affected 7 out of 10 straight men? Please don't take offense on this one, I have soooo many gay friends and I love 'em! But really, the number of STRAIGHT men has plummeted over the years (just stating a fact).
My close friends (and even my mom), whenever I complain about this, always give me that emotional band-aid line "Don't worry, someone's meant for you and perhaps its not yet time, yaddah yaddah yaddah". But then, how can you explain spinsters (who are not spinsters by choice) right? Ah, they eventually got tired of my rebuffs on this line. Too bad.
And then I LOLed after reading this line from Bob Ong again (intelligent guy):
Kung maghihintay ka nang ng lalandi sayo, walang mangyayari sa buhay mo. Dapat lumandi ka din.
HAHAHAHA. But then, that's not my personality.
I'm the type of girl who runs out of topics to talk about or forgets what she's about to say whenever she's with the guy that she likes.
Ow crap, is that considered "boring"?! LOL
Or maybe I am just too "old fashioned". Because I really want the guy to go to such great lengths to obtain my "yes". But then, too bad, in this very modern age, some guys just court girls through text. One of my professors said that most, if not all, men nowadays don't even bother to climb the apple tree just to get the ripest and the best that were on top -- they're already contented with the mediocre ones that fall from the tree.
Too bad that guys that I liked don't feel the same way about me. And too bad that some of them are gay pala.
Yes, yes, I am in panic mode. I think I am on the way to spinsterhood.
And I am being emo about this.
All that coming from a person who's not inlove with anyone right now.
Imagine my devastation and grief if I'm in love right now with someone who I know don't or won't feel the same way about me.
Oh well, papel.
Labels: Dead Meat, God is good -- All the Time, Head Over Heels, Love is in the Air, Quotable Quotes, Randomities, The Great Depression